My wife and I had a conversation last weekend about the hidden influence of parents. Not the principles we learned and consciously apply, but the patterns we unknowingly absorbed that unconsciously emerge in certain situations. Think of a moment when you’ve acted exactly like your mom or dad in an unplanned way.
Hidden Patterns We Inherit
We laughed at how often we say or do something we experienced from our parents. It’s not a conscious choice. It sits invisibly dormant until—BAM—it just comes out. Sometimes, we notice it in the moment as it is happening. Other times, we only recognize it through reflection. Still, other times, it takes one of us to bring it to the other’s attention.
About 50% of what, how, and why we do things comes from the influence of our parents embedded deep within us. Only some of it is conscious. Much of it is unconscious. Had we grown up with different parents with different behavior patterns, different influences would have been programmed into us. It’s a humbling realization, especially if you have your own kids.
Flexible, Not Fixed
We appreciate that there is no erasing or escaping this influence. The influence is already there. The programming is already encoded. All we can do is observe ourselves and decide what to do with each embedded pattern we notice: improve it, adjust it, replace it, or end it.
Our conversation turned to our own two children—our son and daughter. We acknowledged that we are not only influencing them now, but our influence will live in them for the rest of their lives in the same subtle ways our parents shape us.
Guess What?
As much as we pay attention to our influence on our children, it goes beyond what we notice. We influence them in immeasurably unseen ways. Someday, those influences emerge.
My wife and I ended our conversation by reinforcing our commitment to take responsibility for our influence on our kids. We do not rest on telling our kids about rules and principles, love and courage, discipline and responsibility, work ethic and kindness. We must model these things in our own behavior patterns. We must unmistakably demonstrate them. We want to expose our kids to the best patterns we can and trust the long-term value of that influence. And just as much, not expose them to patterns we don’t want them to carry forward in their lives, work, marriages, and parenting.
Those effects of our influence feel a long way away, but they’re not. They’ve already begun.
Event + Response = Outcome. Do the work.
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