While you cannot stop someone else from getting defensive, you can give them less to get defensive about. Because we all know that telling someone they are being defensive makes them more defensive. And someone with that behavior pattern is unlikely to change on their own. Behavior patterns in motion will stay in motion unless outside force meaningfully affects them. (CLICK THE LINK to learn why).
Navigating someone else's defensiveness can feel like a minefield. You're not sure what to say, where to step, or what direction to go to avoid triggering defensiveness. But once you understand the triggers and where they are, you can avoid stepping on them. You will not be perfect, and the people you interact with will still do human things, but you will be better.
People get defensive when they think they are being attacked, judged, or labeled. They get defensive when they sense someone else trying to assign a trait, label, or fault that they do not think is accurate or fair.
A husband triggers his wife's defensiveness when he says, "You always do this." She immediately thinks of all the times she does not do what he is accusing and defends herself against this false accusation.
A wife triggers her husband's defensiveness when she says, "You are so inconsiderate." She also triggers it with the seemingly better version, "That was so inconsiderate."
The first statement ("You are so inconsiderate") is a judgment of the husband's identity, who he is on the inside. He will defend his identity against this false label. The second statement ("That was so inconsiderate") tries to position itself as an indisputable fact.
How can you avoid triggering these defensive postures and reactions?
It's simple. Accept responsibility for your observations, thoughts, and opinions. Instead of throwing judgments and labels at someone like "You are..., You never..., You always..., That is so...", begin with "I think" or "I thought" and express it as your perspective or opinion. (IMPORTANT: Never, ever start with "I feel." Begin with "I think". Feelings need no justification and only lead to, "Well, that's just the way I feel.", which ends the conversation and re-triggers their defensiveness).
So, the husband can say, "I think you do this more than you realize." This way, he gives his wife feedback she may need while not falsely accusing her of "always/never," which is sure to trigger her defensiveness.
The wife can say, "When you did that, I thought it was inconsiderate." She still sends a strong message but replaces her identity accusation with ownership of her opinion. The husband is responsible for the action. She is responsible for what she thinks of it.
You give people less to get defensive about when you stop assigning things to and about them and start expressing more truthfully and accurately: "This is what I am thinking about that and about you."
How will this approach challenge you?
Brick by brick. Do the work.
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