Reset honesty in key relationships

There are two kinds of people: 

1. Those who want honesty.
2. Those who don't.

Which one are you?

The easy answer we want to give is, “Of course I want honesty.” But is that what your life reflects? Suppose I spoke with the 20 people you interact with most frequently and closely. Would they describe you as clearly, obviously, undoubtedly someone who wants and deals well with receiving honesty?

Or would they describe experiences of you putting up barriers, getting defensive, or reacting combatively?

I won’t speak with those 20 people in your life, but you can.

If you want honesty, you can get it. It is not a complicated equation to solve. Ask for it. Open yourself to it. And when you get it—even when you disagree with it, even when it stings—don’t punish people for sharing it.

Start with three questions to get clarity on how people experience you:

1. How hard or easy am I for you to be honest with? (Not generically honest, but really honest)
2. Do you ever hold back because you think I wouldn’t handle it well or would react in some way that would create tension in our relationship?
3. If you ever want to be honest with me about anything, I want to make sure that you can and will. How can I get better at that with you?

Make this your way of life or acknowledge that you are someone who doesn’t want honesty. And you might as well let the people in your life know that, too. Although you probably won’t have to because they already know.

Event + Response = Outcome. Do the work.