"What should I tell him?" he asked.
"The truth.", I replied.
"I don't know.", he hesitated, "Is he open to that?"
"Is he open to hearing the truth? That's for him to decide, not us. What is it you're afraid of?"
"This is difficult feedback to hear. I don't want him to take it the wrong way. Don't I have to consider his feelings?"
I thought for a moment, then answered, "You first have to consider what's honest and what's not, including what you're tempted to conceal because it's awkward for you to say. Isn't it your responsibility to be honest? Isn't honesty a higher responsibility than comfort?"
"I guess."
"Ok, try this. Tell him you're going to be honest but only partially honest. Tell him you're withholding full honesty because you're concerned about his feelings and how he might react. Tell him it's too awkward to share that feedback with him."
"No way! That would be even more awkward."
"Why?"
"Because he'd know there was more to the feedback than what I'm sharing or at least something more specific. He'd ask about it. He'd want to hear what I'm not saying."
"He'd want to hear the truth? The real truth?"
"Yeah."
"There's your answer. To withhold honesty without telling him that you're withholding it is to be dishonest yourself. That's unfair to him. He expects honesty. As uncomfortable as some of it may be, you have the responsibility to share it. If you can't be that honest, or won't, then you must acknowledge that to him or find someone willing to be honest and caring enough to share this feedback with him instead of you."
The possibility that a friend, teammate, or family member might react poorly to honesty does not give us the license to conceal it from them.
Dress it up in whatever rationalizations you want. It's purposeful distortion, deception, and misrepresentation. It's an intentional and strategic attempt to conceal a truth. No one cares about the reasoning that motivated it.
We don't control how people respond to honesty. We own 100% responsibility for our honesty and how we share it.
The time is now. Do the work.
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