No BS Empathy: 10 Concrete Techniques

You can apply any of these at any time. Just one will help, but applying all of them will transform your relationships.

1. Everyone wants to be understood. Unfortunately, most people are unintentional and disciplined at making people feel understood, even at home. To understand someone and make them feel understood is one of the greatest gifts you can give. It is also rare. That is an opportunity for you to provide a special human experience.
2. Your goal is to understand the other person. If that is not your goal, then leave the interaction and reengage when that is your goal. If you are uninterested in understanding the other person, leave the relationship. Your decision means the relationship is already dead. This applies to any interaction besides temporary transactions like checking out at the grocery store.
3. The best way to understand someone is to ask genuine questions, listen to the answers, and repeat their answers until they confirm you hear and understand them accurately. It is a simple discipline, neither complex nor difficult to do. The worst way to understand someone is to tell them you already know what they think, what they really mean, and how they feel.
4. It is essential to ask and listen until you understand when disagreeing with a person, even in an argument or negotiation. Because you will not succeed in a conflict when you do not understand the other side. And no, your interpretations and assumptions are not accurate enough to skip listening and understanding. You assume, you lose. You understand, you win. Hopefully, both of you can win.
5. Ask what they are observing (hearing or seeing). Ask what they are thinking. Ask what they are feeling. This will help you and them separate facts from thoughts from feelings. Observations of facts are not disputable. What each of you thinks and feels about those facts, on the other hand, is subjective and personal.
6. Give people time, silence, and undivided attention to fully express themselves to you. Stay completely silent and totally focused on them until they are done expressing themselves.
7. Just because a person stops talking does not mean they are done expressing. If you remain silent or offer a slight encouragement like, "Tell me more," they will usually dig deeper and express more meaningful thoughts.
8. No one says everything in the first 1-2 minutes of expressing themselves. They barely express 10% of what they are thinking and feeling, and not even the most relevant 10%.
9. Encourage the person to express more truth, "What else do you want to say that you maybe feel hesitant to say?"
10. Everyone is observing, thinking, and feeling something. Just like you. No one understands what is happening within you until they ask, you share, and they demonstrate they understand. Your responsibility is to discover and confirm what is going on within them. Only then can you be accurately confident that you understand.

Brick by brick. Do the work.