In a conflict? Start with diplomacy

You have interests. Things you want and things you want to protect. Things you want to do and ways you intend to do them.

Other people have their own interests they prioritize, chase, and protect, just like you.

As you live out your life, someone else’s interests will seem to conflict with yours. The default human nature reaction is to see a threat. You see their pursuit of their interests as an attack against you. What follows is an impulse to treat them as an enemy to attack and defend yourself against.

But are they really attacking you? Or are they pursuing their interests without being any real threat to you?

Does attacking or undermining them serve and protect your interests? Or does it serve and protect your emotions?

Sometimes there are real conflicting interests. But many times, there is only the appearance of conflict. When you think you see conflicting interests and sense a threat, you have a choice to make.

You must choose to start with hostility or with diplomacy.

Choose diplomacy. Talk. Listen. Understand. Discuss. Explore. Be curious. Be considerate. Be human. Be the kind of person to them that you would like them to be to you. Even if you think they won’t listen or don’t deserve it. Give it a chance.

Most people don’t want to fight. They don’t enjoy it. They’re not prepared for it. They don’t have the will or the skill. They don’t want to defend themselves from attack either. They enjoy that even less. People don’t want to live in that tension. They don’t like it.

If you start with diplomacy and present any remotely reasonable alternative to a fight, most people will not volunteer to fight anyway. They will follow your lead and meet you somewhere that allows you both to pursue your interests without being threats to each other.

If diplomacy fails, if they reject considerate discussions and genuine understanding, you can always escalate to more aggressive responses. But if you start with hostility, you will have a difficult time returning to diplomacy. It isn’t impossible, but it rarely happens.

Conflict is inevitable, though there is more often the appearance of conflict than the reality of it.

When human nature pushes you to respond with hostility, give diplomacy a chance.

Event + Response = Outcome. Do the work.